Sunday, December 16, 2012

42 Funny, Touching and Wise Quotes about Parenthood

It can be easy to get caught up with the realities and stress of mother- and parenthood, so take a moment to relax, remenisce, and have a laugh with these priceless quotes!

1. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
- Phyllis Diller

2. "Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials."
-Meryl Streep

3. “Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.”
- Lisa Alther

4. "The phrase 'working mother' is redundant."
-Jane Sellman

5. "The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy." 
-  Author Unknown 

6. "The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." 
- Bill Cosby 
7. "Mothers are all slightly insane."
- J.D. Salinger

8.  “My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” 
- Buddy Hackett

9. "No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement." 
- Florida Scott-Maxwell

10. "Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing." 
-Toni Morrison, Beloved

11.  "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
- Erma Bombeck 

12.  “If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?"
- Milton Berle

13. "There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one." 
- Jill Churchill

14.   "Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
- Michelle Pfeiffer

15. "A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes."
- Russell Lynes

16. "I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." -Abraham Lincoln

17.  "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
- Erma Bombeck

18. "She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."
-Margaret Culkin Banning

19. "The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable."
- Lane Olinhouse

20. "There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

21. "I know how to do anything—I'm a mom."
- Roseanne Barr

22.  "Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."
- Ambrose Bierce

23. "Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."
- Oprah Winfrey

24.  "There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it." 
- Chinese Proverb

25. "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." 
- Calvin Trillin

26. "If you were to open up a baby's head―and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should―you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." 
- Dave Barry 

27.  "People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."
- Leo J. Burke

28. "When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself." 
- Nancy Friday 

29. "Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes."
- Joyce Armor

30. "A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm."
- Bill Vaughan

31. "Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to 'jump at de sun.' We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground." 
- Zora Neale Hurston 

32. "You will always be your child's favorite toy."
- Vicki Lansky  

33. "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."
- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

34.  "Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
- Bill Cosby

35. "Motherhood is neither a duty nor a privilege, but simply the way that humanity can satisfy the desire for physical immortality and triumph over the fear of death."
- Rebecca West

36. "I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement."
- Tina Fey 

37. "By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class." 
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

38. "Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."
- Ed Asner 

39. "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love." -Mildred B. Vermont

40.  "Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life."
- Author Unknown

41. "The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom."
- H.W. Beecher

42. "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
- W. R. Wallace

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